A Letter to the
Bank
This
is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States.
The Bank thought
it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear
Sir
I
am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival
in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement
which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for
the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from
the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as
my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very
bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and
I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To
this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have noticed
that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From
now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom
you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offence under the
Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please
find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and
that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In
due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in all dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the
playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone
system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized
Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any
dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice.
Press
buttons as follows:
1
:
To make an appointment
to see me
2
: To query a missing repayment
3
: To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; (Extension
of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received).
4
: To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. (Extension
of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
5
: To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
(Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
6
: To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at
home.
7
: To leave a message on my computer.
To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password
will be communicated at a later
date to the contact.
8
: To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through
8.
9
: To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While
this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.
This month I've
chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:"
Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for.
After
twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
by heart.
On
a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost -- a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter
of advertising material you send me.
This I will read for a fee of
$20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at
$5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account,
as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured
check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at
75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would
be well advised to keep
your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment
fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May
I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your
humble client,
Jules
Winder
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