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Jigsaw
Paddy gets a phone
call from Murphy.
"Paddy,"
says Murphy, "Oi've got a problem"
"What's the
matter?" replies Paddy
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together, and
Oi can't find any edges."
"What's the
picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a big
cockerel," Murphy replies.
Paddy
says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."
He
gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.
"Tanks for coming Paddy." He leads Paddy into
the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says,
"For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."
A
Meeting in a Bar
Two men were
sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the
other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you,
that you're from Ireland."
The other guy
responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy
says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy
answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy
responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you
live on in Dublin?"
The other guy
says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in
the old central part of town."
The first guy
says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school
would you have been going?"
The other guy
answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy
gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year
did you graduate?"
The other guy
answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy
exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly
believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you
believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About
this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going
to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Falling
Out
Paddy and
Murphy are on a plane.
Paddy says to
Murphy "To be sure, if this plane turns upsoide down, we'll fall
out, so we will."
Murphy replies
"Begorrah, no, we'll still be the best of friends."
Exciting Irish Sports
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over
and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take
four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the
budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the
shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass,
Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand
place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the
remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis
budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE�..
Moments later,
Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and
walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand
and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi,
Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way
down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to
plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in
his body.
Paddy shakes his
head and says,"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT'S
NOT OVER YET�..
Paddy is just
getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's
also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he
pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears
down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy
shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads.
First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...
and now Sean and his fook'n hen-gliding!"
Irish Maths Test
An Irishman wants a job, but
the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question,
the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?"
The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." He proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree
and tree and tree make nine" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the
number is 99."
The Irishman stares into
space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and
makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty
now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried
that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All
right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into
space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little
mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward
and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog
come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd,
dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one
hundred."
"So, when do Oi start?"
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