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A
Trip to the Inland Revenue
A
man, called for an interview with the Inland Revenue, asked his
accountant for advice on what to wear, and was told �Wear your
shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.�
Then
he asked his solicitor the same question, but got the opposite advice -
�Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and
tie.�
Confused,
the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and
requested some resolution of the dilemma.
�Let
me tell you a story,� replied the Rabbi.
�A
woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding
night. �Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to
your neck� said her mother. But when she asked her best friend, she
got conflicting advice. �Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck
right down to your navel.�
The
man protested: �But what does all this have to do with my problem with
the Inland Revenue?�
"It's
the same answer - no matter what you wear, you are going to get
screwed!"
Wedding
Night Nerves
Maria
had just got married and she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding
night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother
reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
and he'll take care of you."
So
up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't
worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So,
up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
trousers exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her
mother.
"Mama,
Mama, Tony took off his trousers and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So
up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes.
When
Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot
and a half!"
"Stay
here and stir the pasta," the mother says. "This is a job for
Mama!"
Married 12
Times!
A
lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.
On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their
hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be
gentle. I am still a virgin."
This
puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least
one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his
new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:
My
first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
My
second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how
it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me
documentation.
My
third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that
everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
My
fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old
saying-'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'
My
fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he
had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to
deliver.
My
sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.
My
seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he
just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
My
eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that
he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do
it.
My
ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product,
he just wasn't sure how to position it.
My
tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk
about it.
My
eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was
look at it.
My
twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was
. . . God I miss him!
So
now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why
is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well,
it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm
going to get screwed this time!
Quick
Ones
Q
: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
A
: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.
Q
: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their
wedding night?
A
: A last name.
Q
: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
A
: Call her/him on the telephone.
A
married couple are asleep when the phone rings at 2 in the morning. The
wife picks up the phone, listens a moment and says: "How should I
know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hangs up.
The
husband asks: "Who was that?"
The
wife says: "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
is clear."
After
the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a
prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a
brightly coloured one.
A
few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the coloured eggs, then
stormed outside and killed the peacock.
Doctors
and Nurses
At
a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing
each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they
sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her
hands.
After
dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to
go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
Afterwards,
she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back
the male doctor says, �I bet you are a surgeon�.
She confirms it and asks how he knew. �Easy, you�re always
washing your hands.�
She
then says, �I bet you�re an anaesthetist.�
�Wow,
how did you guess?� asks the male doctor.
�I
didn�t feel a thing.�
Excuses
- Child Support Agency
The
following are all replies that have been included on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:-
Regarding
the identity of the father of my twins, child A
was fathered by (name removed), I am unsure as to the identity of
the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same
night.
I
am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this
helps.
I
do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived
at a party (address and date given) where I had unprotected sex with I
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.
I
don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.
I
have never had sex with a man. l am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my sons conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.
I
cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so
would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic Implications for
the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by
my country. Please advise.
I
do not know who the father of my child was, as all squaddies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
(Name
given) Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask
him what he did with my Alice Cooper CDs?
From
the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney. Maybe
it really is the Magic Kingdom.
So
much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure
is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at (address given) mine might have remained unfertilised.
I am unsure as to the
identity of the father of my Baby, after all, like when you eat a can of
beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Medical
Condition
A
young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly
the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,
whip me, whip me!"
The
guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, opens the window,
snaps the radio aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until
they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About
a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The
doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these
marks having sex?"
The
girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his
head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all
my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease
that I've ever seen."
The Genie
A
couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with
million pound homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned,
"Darling, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those
windows it will cost us a fortune to repair."
Of
course, she teed off and promptly drove it right through the window of
the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you
to watch out....now we'll have to go up there and apologise and see how
much that useless drive is going to cost us!"
They
walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come
in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place
and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A
man reclining on the settee said, "Are you the people that broke
the window?"
"Erm,
yes, we're very sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh,
no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow,
that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life.
"No
problem, you've got it, it's the least I can do. And now you, young
lady, what do you want?" the genie asked looking at the wife.
"I'd
like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world" she said. "Consider it done," the genie said.
"And
now," they both asked in unison, "What's your wish,
genie?"
"Well,
since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in
a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."
The
husband looked at his wife and said, "Well Darling, you know we
both now have a
fortune, and all those houses.
What do you think?"
She
mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
you're right. Considering all that, I suppose I wouldn't mind."
The
genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for
the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly and
afterwards, as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked,
"Tell me, how old are you and your husband?"
"Why,
we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really?
Thirty-five years old and you believe in genies?"
Olympic
Condoms
A man is out
shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly
impressed, he buys a packet, and upon getting home, he proudly tells his
wife about the purchase he has just made.
"Olympic
condoms?", she says, "What makes THEM so special?"
"Well, there
are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and
Bronze."
"What colour
are you going to wear tonight?", she asks, cheekily.
"Gold, of
course", says the man, proudly.
The wife responds
"Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for
a change!"
How
people do it, by profession
Accountants
do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists
do it with a small prick
Ambulance
drivers come quicker
Australians
do it Down Under
Bankers
do it with interest
Bartenders
do it on the Rocks
Chess
players check their Mates
Cops
do it with cuffs
DJs
do it on request
Deep-sea
divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists
do it orally
Detectives
do it under cover
Firemen
do it with a big hose
Frank
Sinatra did it his way
Dustbin
men come twice a week
Gardeners
do it in the bushes
Petrol
station attendants pump all day
Housewives
do it for an allowance
Jockeys
gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords
do it on the 1st of every month
Mountain
climbers like to be on top
Soldiers
do it on command!
Pianists
touch, tickle, and titillate!
Pizza
delivery men come in 30 minutes otherwise it's free
Truckers
do it in the road
Travel
agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters
and waitresses do it for tips
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger was
ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian
Chief proclaimed "So, you are the great
Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest
Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I
will grant you three requests. What is your
first request?"
The Lone Ranger
responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The
Chief
nods, and Silver is brought before the
Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear,
and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening,
Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the
Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger
again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him
and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.
Later that evening,
to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends
the night.
The following
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a
man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is
your last
request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
alone."
The Chief is
curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time,
I said, "Bring Posse!"
Drink Up
A
woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.
Gottle of Geer
A
ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees
one of the locals sitting on his porch patting
his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman
"Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog
doesn't talk, you stupid git!"
Ventriloquist:
"Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all
right, Thanks"
Villager: (look of
extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is
this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How
does he treat you?"
Dog: "Really
well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of
utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind
if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the
horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey
horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager:
(absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is
this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How
does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good,
thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total
look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind
if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a
panic) "The sheep's a LIAR!"
Raisin Bread
A bakery owner hires
a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong
panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and
glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length
of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of
the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread
please," the man says politely.
The female clerk
nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located
on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath
her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk
retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers
notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he
requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the
view.
With each trip up
the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male
customer.
Pretty soon, each
male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up
and down.
After many trips she
is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try
the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and
fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an
elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to
save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for
you, too?"
"No," stammers the
old man, "but it's a quiverin'."
Jack and Jill
Jack was about to
marry Jill and his father took him to one side. "When
I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them
to your mother and told her to put them on."
"When
she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she
couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her, of
course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I
always will. Ever
since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his
father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them
to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said
that the trousers were too big and she
couldn't possibly wear them "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the
trousers in this relationship and always will. I don't want you
to forget that".
Jill paused and
removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these
on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I
can't possibly get into your knickers," said
Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you
don't change your f**ing attitude, you never will."
One Testicle
There once was a Red Indian whose given
name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated
that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I
will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any
more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue
Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed
her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day
and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird
died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant
what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him
by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the
village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "It is so
good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into
the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next
night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
Think about it...
You know this really...
And the moral is.....You can't kill two
birds with one stone!!!
Onions
A family is at the
dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies
are there?"
The father,
surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's 3 kinds of breasts.
In her 20's, a woman's
breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's
they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are
like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them
and they make you cry."
This infuriated his
wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of
'willies' are there?"
The mother,
surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases.
In his 20's, his
willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's,
it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is
like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the
root up and the balls are for decoration only."
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