Don't Mess with
Women
My boyfriend, not
happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he
would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a
good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking
red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time
he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband came
home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy
tonight."
He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
A couple are
lying in bed.
The man says, "I
am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says,
"I'll miss you."
Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
He said -
"Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted
to make love to you really badly."
She said -
"Well, you've succeeded."
He said
"Shall we try swapping positions tonight?".
She said
"That's a good idea... you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart".
He said
"What have you been doing with all the grocery
money that I gave you?".
She said
"Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat
bastard".
Q: What's the
difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the
fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his
chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men
want to marry virgins?
A: They can't
stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so
hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those
men already have boyfriends.
Q: What makes men
chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge
that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
He said �I don't know why you wear a bra
- you've
got nothing to put in it.�
She said �You wear trousers don't you?
On a wall in a ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it �I do not"
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it�s never happened.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
�But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.
Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end
up playing with them.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows - it hasn't happened yet.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: What do men and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
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