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23 Grammar Tips
For Letter Writers
Many
people frequently commit avoidable errors of
syntax and grammar when writing.
The following Tips should help.
1
: Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2
: Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3
: And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4
: It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5
: Avoid clich�s like the plague. (They're old hat)
6
: Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7
: Be more or less specific.
8
: Parenthetical remarks (however relevant : are (usually : unnecessary.
9
: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10
: Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
11
: Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
12
: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
13
: Comparisons are as bad as clich�s.
14
: Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
15
: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
16
: Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
17
: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
18
: Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas.
19
: Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
20
: Puns are for children, not groan readers.
21
: Who needs rhetorical questions?
22
: Exaggeration is a billion times worse than under-statement.
And probably the most important one...
23
: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Easy Quiz
Passing requires
just 4
correct answers
1 : How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2 : Which country
makes Panama hats?
3 : From which
animal do we get catgut?
4 : In which month
do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5 : What is a
camel's hair brush made of?
6 : The Canary
Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7 : What was King
George VI's first name?
8 : What colour is
a purple finch?
9 : Where are
Chinese gooseberries from?
10 : What is the
colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check
your answers
click here
25
Rules and Tips for Coping with Office Life
1 : Never argue
with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with
experience.
2
: Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing him/her again.
3
: A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
4
: Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5
: After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
6
: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
7
: The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
8
: You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
9
: Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.
10
: When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.
11
: Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
12
: To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
13
: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.
14
: Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
email.
15
: If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.
16
: You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.
17
: People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
18
: If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
19
: At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
20
: When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
21
: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily
by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
22
: The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.
23
: Following the rules will not get the job done.
24
: Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
25 : Be careful what you say in
e-mails - see here.
10
Things not to say in your e-mails at work
1 : I can only
please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not
looking good either.
2 : I love
deadlines : I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.
3 : Tell me what
you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4 : Accept that
some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5 : I don't have
an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6 : You are slower
than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
7 : Do not meddle
in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with
ketchup.
8 : Do a reality
check and see if it bounces.
9 : On the
keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10 : I don't
suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
Your
Captain Today Is.....
All too
rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported (allegedly!)
On an Air NZ
Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
On landing the
stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50
ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the
aircraft."
As the plane
landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came over
the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a
particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight
attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
f*** everything has shifted."
From a Qantas
employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your
seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child,
pick your favourite."
"Weather at our
destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to
have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
"Your seat
cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
"Should the cabin
lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please
place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."
Heard on Qantas
Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I
know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
Another flight
attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot
wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the
runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying United."
He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone
had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot.
"What is it?"
The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real
crusher of a landing in Sydney, theflight
attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
Part of a flight
attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for
flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll
think of Qantas."
A plane was taking
off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to
Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax - SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed
and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was talking, the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in
Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people
we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain
had to really fight to keep control. After an extremely hard landing,
the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
English Language
Signs
The following
attempts at English have been spotted around the World:
In a Japanese Hotel
You are invited to
take advantage of the chambermaid.
On the menu of a
Swiss restaurant
Our wines leave you
nothing to hope for.
In the office of a
Roman doctor
Specialist in women
and other diseases.
On the Menu of a
Polish Hotel
Salad a firm's own
make;
Limpid red beet soup
with chessy dumplings in the form of a finger;
Roasted duck let
loose;
Beef rashers beaten
up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong
supermarket
For your
convenience, we recommend couteous, effient, self-service.
A sign posted in
Germany's Black Forest
It is stricktly
forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex,
for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each for that purpose.
On a tap in a
Finnish washroom
To stop the drip,
turn cock to the right.
In a Czechoslovakian
tourist agency
Take one of our
horse-driven city tours - we guarante no miscarriages.
In an Acapulco Hotel
The manager has
personally passed all the water served here.
In a Copenhagen
airline ticket office
We take your bags
and send them in all directions.
In a Tokyo Bar
Special cocktails
for the ladie with nuts.
Detour Sign in
Kyushi, Japan
STOP: Drive
Sideways.
In a Bangkok temple
It is forbidden to
enter a women here even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
Two signs from a
Majorcan shop entrance
English well talking
Here speeching
American
From a brochure of a
car rental firm in Tokyo
When passenger of
foot heave into sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
In a Zurich hotel
Because of the
impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom,
tis suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In a Rome laundry
Ladies, leave your
clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Outside a Paris
dress shop
Dresses for street
walking.
In a Bangkok dry
cleaners
Drop your trousers
here for best results.
In a Paris hotel
A sports jacket may
be worn to dinner, but not trousers.
In a dance hall in a
London suburb
The directors have
the right to refuse admission to any lady they think proper.
In the window of a
Swedish furrier
Fur coats made for
ladies from their own skin.
Advertisement for
donkey rides (Thailand)
Would you like to
ride on your own ass?
In a Paris hotel
Tea in a bag just
like mother.
In the window of an
appliance store
Don't kill your
wife.
Let our washing
machines do the dirty work.
Seen above an office
Xerox machine
Customers will
please refrain from messing with secretaries' reproductive equipment.
In a Norwegian
cocktail lounge
Ladies are requested
not to have children in the bar.
In a hotel in Athens
Visitors are
expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m.
daily.
Outside a Hong Kong
tailor shop
Ladies may have a
fit upstairs.
At a Budapest zoo
Please do not feed
the animals.
If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
On a poster on a
telephone pole in Oregon
Are you an adult
that cannot read?
If so, we can help.
In a safety
information card for an airline
If you are sitting
in an exit row and cannot read this card, please tell a crew member.
On a Maine shop
Our motto is to give
our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
In the offices of a
loan company
Ask about our plans
for owning your home.
At a number of U.S.
military bases
Restricted to
unauthorized personnel.
On a display of `You
are my one and only' Valentine cards :
Now available in
multi packs.
On the window of an
Oregon store
Why go elsewhere to
be cheated, when you can come here?
In a Pennsylvania
cemetery
Persons are
prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On the grounds of a
private school
No trespassing
without permission.
On a Tennessee
highway
Take notice: when
this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
In front of a New
Hampshire car wash
If you can't read
this, it's time you wash your car.
In a Massachusetts
parking area reserved for birdwatchers
Parking for birds
only.
In the vestry of a
Church
Will the last person
to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a laundry room
Do not put wet
clothes in dryers as this can cause irreparable damage.
On a restroom hand
dryer
Do not activate with
wet hands.
At the end of a
London, Ontario newspaper ad offering openings for firefighters
We also provide all
of our employees with a smoke-free work place.
In a New York
Restaurant
Customers who find
our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In a Maine
restaurant
Open seven days a
week and weekends.
In a New York
drugstore
We dispense with
accuracy.
In a funeral parlour
Ask about our
layaway plan.
In a clothing store
Wonderful bargains
for men with 16 and 17 necks.
Outside a country
shop
We buy junk and sell
antiques.
In a town in Wales
No vehicular access
to car park.
In a Greenwich
Village Shop
Ear piercing.
Your choice
: with or without pain.
Collective
Nouns
A plethora of
lispers
A mingling of
broken vases
A tenet of
palindromes
A hotbed of quilts
A veneer of
newscasters
A brace of
orthodontists
A rash of
dermatologists
A chain of lynx
A gaggle of
censors
An amalgam of
dentists
A cast of
orthopaedists
A slew of retired
hit men
A box of pugilists
A concert of yes
men
A flash of
paparazzi
A bunch of
florists
A sum of adders
A set of
hairdressers
A lot of
auctioneers
A column of
architects
A ring of
jewellers
A great deal of
used-car salesmen
12 Telltale signs
that you should re-assess your relationship with your PC
You know it
is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1
: You wake up at 4 o'clock in the
morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way
back to bed.
2
: You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as
if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3
: You decide to stay in university
for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4
: You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5
: You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6
: You find yourself typing "com" after every
full stop when using a word processor.com
7
: You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't
have a computer.
8
: When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel
really depressed.
9
: You don't know the gender of your three closest friends
because they have non-descript screen names
and you never bothered to ask.
10:
You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before
you landscape.
11:
Your family always knows where you are.
12:
In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL,
LOL"
30 sentences found in Patient's Hospital Notes
1
: She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
2
: Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
3
: On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4
: The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears
to be depressed.
5
: The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in
1993.
6
: Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7
: Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8
: The patient refused autopsy.
9
: The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10: Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11: Patient's medical history has been remarkably with only a
40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12: Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13: Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.
14: Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.
15: She is numb from her toes down.
16: While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
17: The skin was moist and dry.
18: Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
19: Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20: Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
21: She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
life, until she got a divorce.
22: I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
physical therapy.
23: Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
24: Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25: The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26: The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
job as a stockbroker instead.
27: Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28: The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29: Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we
should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30: Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Product Warnings
On a lawnmower, a
big label which read: "Warning when motor is running - the blade is
turning!"
On a curling iron:
�Do not insert curling iron into any bodily orifice.�
On
the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle: "Do not open here."
On a bottle of spray
paint: "Do not spray in your face."
On a bottle of
bathtub cleaner: �For best results, start with clean bathtub before
use.�
On a container of
lighter fluid: �Warning: Contents flammable!�
On a bottle of hand
lotion: �Warning: Starts healing skin on contact.�
On a box of
household nails: �Caution! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause
irritation!�
On a blow dryer: "Do
not blow dry in sleep"
On the back of a
drink bottle label: "Do not peel label off."
On a Band-Aid box:
"For serious injuries, seek medical attention."
On a can of powdered
infant formula: "Mix with water before serving." (Like I'm going to
spoon it to my baby dry!)
On a full-face
motorcycle helmet, a giant arrow pointing to the front. (I can only
guess that some idiot put the helmet on backwards, jumped on a bike and
hurt himself and that this is to protect the manufacturer from future
lawsuits!)
On a can of Woolite
carpet cleaner: "Safe for carpets, too!"
On the bottom of a
box of glass ornaments: "Do not turn upside down."
On a plastic orange
juice can: "100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from
concentrate."
On the back of the
Pilot�s seat on a NATO AWAC Aircraft (E-3A): "Seat must be facing
forward for take off and landing."
On a pack of
microwave popcorn packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless
you open the plastic and unfold it: �1 : Remove plastic.�
On a bottle of
children's cough medicine: "Caution: May cause drowsiness; do not drive
or operate heavy machinery."
On a container of
salt: �Warning: High in sodium.�
On a hose nozzle:
"Do not spray into electrical outlet."
On an industrial
size washer in our local laundry establishment: "Warning: Do not put any
person in this washer."
On a pushchair:
"Remove child before folding."
On a chocolate bar
wrapper, next to an ad for a competition: "No purchase necessary -
Details inside."
We once bought a
grocery store pizza and the instructions were on the bottom, so we
turned it upside down to see how long to cook it etc., and low and
behold, the first instruction was: �Do not turn upside down.�
My bathroom has
inadequate ventilation and therefore develops mould spots in the lower
corners. I attempted to purchase a cleaner specifically designed to
remove bathroom mould deposits. The directions on the product label
stated: "Only use in well ventilated areas."
I saw a car ad
depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks. At the end of
the ad in small letters it read: "Caution, do not drive underwater."
Funny Deep Thoughts
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes out of its bottom."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician/Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed if he is going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner show had enough money to buy all
that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables
then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
How does the Snow
Plough Driver get to work?
Reasons why computers are BETTER than women
1. A computer can wait forever for you.
2. A computer doesn't compare you with its past users.
3. A computer doesn't get calls from its past users while you're logged
in.
4. A computer doesn't mind how excited you get.
5. A computer doesn't tell you how completely terrific its past users
have been.
6. A computer is big in all the right places.
7. A computer never forgets your birthday.
8. A computer won't ask, "Are you in?"
9. A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?"
10. A computer won't even talk about marriage.
11. A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex.
12. A computer won't get *****y if you're slow to respond.
13. A computer won't grade you on how much you send it.
14. A computer won't look through your cheque book.
15. A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you
keep getting new ones.
16. A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends."
17. A computer won't shave with your razor.
18. A computer's maintenance personnel don't cross-examine you every
time you log in.
19. Computers are easy to turn on.
20. Computers are ready when you are.
21. Computers are very responsive.
22. Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your
account.
23. Computers do everything you tell them to.
24. Computers don't care about age differences.
25. Computers don't care if you're married.
26. Computers don't get pregnant.
27. Computers don't get upset if you use other computers.
28. Computers don't insist on foreplay.
29. Computers don't make you meet their parents.
30. Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend.
31. Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you.
32. Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to.
33. Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.
34. Computers never have headaches, or take rain checks, or have a
curfew, or have that time of the month.
35. Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends.
36. If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to
another in less than a min.
37. Size doesn't count to a computer.
38. The average computer session lasts four hours.
39. With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry.
40. You can log into several computers at once.
41. You can turn off a computer.
42. You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be up and
ready for you.
43. You don't have to tell computers you love them.
Reasons Why Computers Are Male
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
7. The lights are on but nobody's home.
Reasons Why Computers Are Female
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message "Bad command or filename" is about as informative as "If
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell
you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
How Shall I Call
Thee Stupid?
A
few walls short of a complete house.
A
few crumbs short of the cake.
No
grain in the silo.
Receiver is off the hook.
Not
the sharpest pencil in the box.
About a half a bubble off level.
Shooting an empty gun.
Hunting in an empty forest.
Not
the brightest crayon in the box.
A
few gunmen short of a posse.
Missing some of dots on his dice
Only got one oar in the
water.
Not
the quickest bunny in the forest.
The
porch lights on, but nobody's home.
Too
much chlorine in the gene pool.
Not
the brightest bulb on the tree.
Not
the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The
cheese has slipped off the cracker.
Not
the brightest star in the galaxy.
Not
the sharpest tack in the box.
I.Q. of two, but takes three to grunt.
Thinks the Hard Rock Cafe is a restaurant for boulders.
Tried to read a book "between the lines."
A
few chocolate chips short of a cookie.
A
few tantrums short of a toddler.
A
couple gallons short of a swimming pool.
IQ
lower than your average rock.
A
couple of apples short of a bushel.
Several aliens short of a UFO.
A
few CDs short of a jukebox.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
One
brick shy of a fireplace.
One
bubble short of a bath.
Wheels are spinning but the tyres are off the
ground.
One
eye closed and can't see out of the other.
One
tree short of a hammock.
He
thinks the Mexican border pays rent.
If
he blew up a balloon his head would deflate.
Two
slices of bread shy of a sandwich.
A
few clowns short of a circus.
A
few fries short of a happy meal.
An
experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A
few peas short of a casserole.
The
wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
A
few feathers short of a whole duck.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He
fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An
intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
As
smart as bait.
Sharp as a marble.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her
sewing machine's out of thread.
His
antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His
belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If
he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
The Facts Of Life
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at
the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack
of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of
communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the
real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever
were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty
for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but
no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think that there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have
someone in mind to blame.
19. One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that
life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it
gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted
on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
25. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the
pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, that you're halfway through
it before you realize that it's a "do it yourself" thing.
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